Sometimes I wonder where you go. Weeks go by and it’s like you don’t exist. Then I remember you have someone now. I have someone. This is the way it goes. 
Honestly, I don’t mind it. I know you all too well.
The significance of someone in your life brings you to an altar reality. A state of oblivion. Where nothing really matters and people aren’t important.
But that’s infatuation isn’t it?
I’m okay with that. 
 

Today..has been nothing but good to me. I don’t know how, but it has. 
…I was so against myself today. I did things on a whim. I don’t know why I don’t do things like this more often.
Ate cici’s with an old friend. But the problem with crossing paths with old friends is the bitter sweetness it leaves your mind with.
I drove back two cities trying not to cry the whole time. I didn’t understand this. Why I kept tearing up. But in the end, I just let a small smile creep to the corners of my mouth. Two and a half years..I should smile. I should give myself that. 

Stopped for two icees on the way over to his house. One for me, one for him. Drove my ass the rest of the way and right into his arms. It seems longer than a couple of days since I saw him. Time is so strange. How it can make you miss someone…
I feel like I’ve traveled the world today. It feels odd being home after being so far away for a while. Visiting my past. My future. Sitting in the present. Something has changed inside of me. Like another small revelation. Like I’ve discovered another aspect of looking at life. Everything seems so fragile.
..a good friend of mine just got in touch with me after I had not spoken with him in months…he was in rehab. ..I wish I owned a huge house. I would take in kids like him and give him an environment that was healthy. So I could love them and make sure they were okay. ..I don’t know when I learned to care so much. 
Maybe today is just a tender day. Sentimental at best.  

I love everyone.
I try. I really do. I nearly give myself an aneurysm trying to love everyone. No matter their mistakes…their way of living. I think the reason why I get so compassionate when I voice my opinion is that I know people can do better. I go on these long rants. I think if they could just open their eyes, they could potentially be at peace with a lot of things.
..Somtimes, I get so angry at people for their decisions. But I sit back and think about it, and have to make myself come to the conclusion that it is best just to love them anyway. There isn’t much you can do about it. And I’m not just talking about people I personally know or family. I’m talking about people I’ve only heard of or never met…or society as a whole.
Personally, I do not think that sexual preference should be associated with culture. It causes too much strife. Which ultimately creates hate for apposing parties. I have compassion for all people. I don’t think they should be defined by their “cultural differences”. Humanity is humanity.
Abortions are wrong in my opinion. But I love those women anyway. Because, at the core of it, they need love more than anything. Although, this one seems to be the hardest for me. It sucks, because there are women that cannot have children. And then there are people like me. I want a child so bad. I am young, but I want one. It is not the right time, but one day soon. I actually envy pregnant woman. So, when I hear of such women ridding their fragile bodies of such small beings, I become enraged. When I want one, there are others killing theirs. But I cannot do anything about this. So I love them, because most of the time, no one is really genuinely loving them.
People with addictions. I have much compassion for these people. Because I have known personally some of these people. I know their struggles. I know their mental disfunctions…and ultimately, I know what they can be capable of. What they can accomplish. They just need direction. And those who find their light, they are amazing people. And they have always been amazing people, they just lost their way. I especially love these people.
People with mental disorders and mental disabilities. I love them.
People who use their abilities to help others, I love you.
People who are struggling with everyday burdens, I love you.
People who have experienced life altering situations, I love you.
People who don’t have any self respect, I love you.
People who are insecure, I am you, therefore, I love you.
People who cut too close in front of me while driving, I love you..but your destination isn’t going anywhere.
My mother’s friend who was driving dangerously and resulted in the death of both of you, I love you.
My purposefully distant family members, I love you. Always.
The girls who made fun of me in school, I love you.
The guys who were just looking for love like everyone else, I love you.
To those who willingly give themselves for others for nothing in return, I love you. And I want to be more like you.
I love everyone. Every single person. Even you, Kony. (For all you ‘social activists’ out there)
I love you
I love you
I love you.
Sincerely, Roe.

Meeting new people is difficult for me. I dread the entire time before meeting this person. I internally freak out upon meeting this person. I struggle throughout the meeting process. It’s like I can’t find myself entirely. Which leads to emotional aggrivation. The closest I can describe it to is when you first learn how to swim and you finally let go of the side of the pool. You flail your limbs as you try and stay a float in the vast blue. Stability is at every turn, just slightly out of reach…it’s just a matter of getting there. Finally, after the encounter, I reflect. On their expressions, movements, speech patterns, emotions, and conversation.
I finally have side of the pool in my grasp..and I realize this time, it wasn’t bad at all. I liked her genuineness..her genial aura. I liked her.

Sometimes, I forget.
..I forget a lot of things. But today I remembered what is important to me. All it took was a change in weather. For once, the overcast lifted. The sun was out and the humidity was nonexistant. It wasn’t until I was in my car with the windows rolled down and Abbey Road turned way up, did I extract myself from within to analyze my existance.
I’m nearly broke. …this vehicle that is currently transporting me is in need of a fix. I don’t know how I’m going to achieve my future..
But God, the weather is so right today…
I’m in love.
I have friends and family close once more.
I have paint on my hands because I’m working at a place that I actually have compassion for. I work hard.
Sometimes…sometimes I forget what keeps me going. What’s important to remember. And sometimes, it takes the positivity and happiness of others to bring me out of my sadness.
As one song fades out and another begins (Sun King begins playing at this point and an overwhelming calmness washes over me) do I feel content again.
I am alive. The world is sepia.

I am on the verge of something I cannot quite explain. It’s this sudden urge to cry in pain..or to lash out with such significant and profound words. Not curse words. Just words to throw into the air. But because I am alone, it would simply reverberate off the walls and back into my ears. I would be the only one listening.
Alone..that is how I have felt. I have this deep sort of pit inside me that keeps growing with this self loathing stab of insuperiority. I find social interactions with anyone I don’t know a struggle. I end up hating the conversation half way through it. I can’t relate. I can’t find any common place. I just stand there with a sense of bewilderment and resentment of ever having started the conversation. I find the world moving past me. And now I am feeling certain emotions I haven’t felt since I was a youngling.
Ever since I was in grade school I have had a hard time interacting with others. I was too weird, too hyper, and certainly not equipped. I often found myself frustrated with the outcome of interactions. The name calling, making fun of, and slur of hatred. And the occassional..inevitable loss of a “friend”. Because they eventually found their ”identity” and came to a realization that I was not what they needed any longer. That I was not progressing as others were. I was still an outcast. 
Rejection. That is most simply put. It hurts. It hurts when people cannot understand me. When they mistake my cynical outlook for asinine or ignorance. When they can no longer agree, and choose to disagree. I can’t stand these emotions. I can’t understand myself because I can’t decide soley on one emotion. I keep bouncing back and forth between being okay and finding no need for any other companionship and a deep sadness of lost causes.
There are power in numbers, and I for once, have been out numbered. 


I don’t know what has been happening of the late…I keep losing specific people in my life to such dismal things. To things I saw coming but never thought would happen. Like your worst expectation, becoming a reality. To arbitrary circumstances. I lost (what I thought was a friend) to duplicity and betrayal. One situation that was so eye opening, I should think recovery is futile. Trust in new people will prove difficult.
And the other most recent, lost to social distortion and deception. Here I am, standing on the other side of the fence. Staring at her face. Searching for some sign of ever having a relationship. “Are you in there?…Can you hear me?”
..We were once. My beloved friend. I long for your companionship. But I have lost. I lost you to the social butterfly. It has scooped you upon its wings and carried you to social circles, clothes, and some twisted perception of what is “cool”. I will never be cool. Not cool enough for you. Or cool enough for anyone. I will be me. And that has proven difficult for you to accept. How sad it is, that you cannot remember the roots we grew. Roots of acceptance, love, and elated spirits. I will however, speak my mind. I will tell of things no one wishes to hear or accept. I do it out of concern, not hatred. It is not my nature to hate. How can I hate something so dear and close to my heart? I ache inside. I keep losing. I am losing to this world. For what is left for me? ..our roots have been pulled up and placed atop of tumultuous soil. Dried up by whispers of false identities.